Showbiz Professional T-Shirts

'Of course the plot's ridiculous, it's Opera.'

'I don't mind playing dead. But what I would really like to do is direct.'

"Everyone will be squamous for 15 minutes"

"I own 60% of your image rights. Which means you have to pay me ten quid every time you look in the mirror."

"What you ain't - is A GENT!"

"Check this out! Abracadabra!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been wonderful, you've been the audience - goodnight!"

"Don't you bark at me."

"Frankly, nowadays people just want to forget."

Hollywood director.

Marvo The Magician - "Don't disappear your tea's nearly ready."

"Let me do the talking!"

Toenail clipping missile.

There's been a misundertanding-we're advertising for GAGSTERS!'

Comedian is hook-rescued from angry audience.

"I promised myself I would never let this happen to me."

"Once upon a time, seven dwarves was a tall order but now the snow white virgin is the real problem

'It's an attention seeking missile...'

Rabbit in giant top hat says: 'I had a word with the RSPCA about my cramped working conditions.'

Welcome to Celebrity Fit Club, where all the fat lost is donated to building a clone of me so I can swan off and top up my tan.

Tittle and tattle.

Please Help - Former Magician's Assistant

A woman bows to the crowd

"Sorry, angel - showtime!"

Showbiz Awards

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"Yoo-hoo. Fifteen minutes of fame is about to start."

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

"We both see Ben as this summer's breakout child."

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

Music Hall Dancers

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"While you're at it Houdini, try and find the last ten years of my life in there."

The GODFATHER Ride 25¢

"Is it 'Measure once, cut twice?' Or 'Cut once, then measure?' Or maybe it's..."