Serial Theorist Pillows

"I'm having one of those days where I can barely remember which conspiracy theory I'm obsessed with."

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

Reverse psychology

She loves to play with string theory.

"I told him we needed more string."

The World's Biggest Book Club

Fluffy explains her string theory.

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'I'd go back if I were you.'

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

Studying String Cheese Theory

'You understand, Yomp, it's not me speaking. It's the corporation!'

You're too old to go back to Camp Owonsit. That's ok. It's all little kids. How about Lake Kinepesakau Camp. It's all jocks. Your son needs an enriching summer experience. Thoughts? How about � Camp Workforaliving? It's all depressing adults.

"...And this is Mable, who will assist me with the billing."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Hey boss, it's April 13th. A couple years ago, you said come back April 13, 2015, and we could talk about you giving me a raise. Yes, but that was predicated on the notion that you'd need a raise by now. I see you're still alive. Clearly you haven't starved to death. You smell minty-fresh, so clearly you haven't been forced out onto the streets. Karl Marx said it best: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need." I'm pretty sure that is not what Marx meant.

"You like it? It’s from the MoMA Store!"

"Picking the right ethnicity of your nanny is the single-hardest part of being a mother these days."

'A little squirt like Graubart would theorize that the Universe is contracting!'

Executive Towers: Sorry, No Room Left At The Top!