Senior Raconteur Pillows

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

Non Thought For The Day.

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

'Oh, to be 75 again!'

"Hurry, hurry! When you get back, we'll finish rehashing 1924 and get right on to 1925!"

Old Geezers Erupting Every Hour on the Hour.

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"Remember toothache!!!"

"Hearing aids. What did you wish for?"

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

"I think she's the new nurse. She's been here ever since I can remember."

'I won't have any drops today, nurse. It's raining so much...'

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

'I got up for something - but now I can't remember what it was.'

'I understand that the two of you had a rather successful collaboration on our new sex manual!'

"I'm the writer, executive producer, and star of my fibs."

Railroad Crossing. It's the last official weekend of the summer, Ernie. For me, summer has always been like a passing train. When I was a kid, both trains and summer went by at a leisurely pace. Ding! Ding! Ding! Now that I'm much older, summer is like a modern bullet train ... it's just a blur that seems to be gone in an instant!

Old People Whisperer

'I've got so many aches and pains that a new one would have to wait a week before I could feel it.'

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

"Last night I spent some time organizing my thoughts..."

'Remember when self respect and respect for elders were too different things?'

Well, whaddaya know, your insurance DOES cover probes. Check-Out.

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

I'm thinking of open-carrying. Forget it, little buddy. The last thing anyone needs is for you to be running around armed. You don't know the first thing about firearm safety. Who said anything about firearms? I'm talking about open-carrying my iPad. STOP! There's nothing more disgusting than a geek who thinks he's a technology cowboy wearing his gadgets like they're weapons. Stop the madness! What do you think, Randy: Hip holster, thigh holster, or shoulder sling? STOP!!! A real man would just

'Well yes there was life before television but it didn't amount to much. . .'

'...And before I knew it, I'd delegated ALL my authority!'

'Howdy, Millie, how's your incontinence?'