Semantics Explorer Pillows

'Difference between 'ignorance' and 'apathy'? I don't know, and I don't care.'

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

"Thanks for walking a mile in my shoe but it's beginning to hurt now."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

Why we need poetry. . .

"No, I really thought each sentence ended with an emoji!"

The Thought Process.

Ninedency: A budding tendency

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

"Why is there so much emphasis put on our stupid race?" "I think people are more interested in it as a metaphor than as an actual race." "Slow and steady wins the race, that sort of thing." "That would explain why I always lose..." "Bartender, another please." "Maybe you should slow down." "You never learn do you?"

"It's great to see Biff; Socksie the cat is out of the bag..."

"It's an honest mistake I'm sure we'll never hear of again."

"Today I came across antiderenuclearizationalityness."

'the selling of seashells by the seashore was sluggish.'

'I'm afraid it wouldn't work out, Kevin. You say 'data is' and I say 'data are'.'

"I won't be in today, I'm feeling a little under the coffee table."

"I believe it was called 'cursive'."

The Elephant in the Womb

'You always talk about robbing Peter to pay Paul, but you never mention Mary.'

'I don't like to brag, but I'm the guy who coined the phrase, 'Honey, I'm Home'.'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

'Let's cut right through to the heart of the matter.'

"You scratch my back, I'll scratch your is just a figure of speech, Ned. A little left, and higher."

"My mom is a vegetarian, so she doesn't bring home the bacon. She brings home kale and quinoa."

Museum of Natural Cliches

Reading: Phonics. Using phonics, you learn to read by the sounds of letters. Any questions? Yes. Why does "phonics" begin with "p-h" and not with "f"?

Famous Oxymorons...

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

'Please Miss, is it where Noah kept his bees?'

'It says here you can talk trash in five languages.'

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

Irritable Vowel Syndrome

A Semicolon.

"I don't like the tone of your voice. Mind if I tweak it a bit?"

"If you want my opinion you're damned if you do and damned if you don't."