Self-reflection Master Pillows

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"It's days like this that make me long for days like this."

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

'...when did you first get these feelings of wanting to be a psychiatrist?'

"He's his own worst enemy."

"Hey! If you're here to marvel at the smallness of your existence within a glorious, vast and unknowable universe, there's a line!"

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

"Wait... what was it I came up here for?"

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

That party went well.

Cellphone Islands

* For latent content, see your psychiatrist.

"The overthinker"

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

'I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.'

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

'Half an optimist is an odd bird, Sarah.'

"Colin kept the bar fairly low."

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

"You need to stop bottling it up."

"Is this who I am?"

"Wow! So you think my chronic self-hatred may just be an undiagnosed case of lactose intolerance?"

"I used to think" if I don't go to work the world will fall apart. . . but it fell apart anyway."

"When you look at me, Alice, what do you see?"

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

Pachyderm insomnia.

"I think I'll keep a diary..."

"After the judicial system, I'm my own harshest critic."

"You're a shark! You're a killer! Nothing can stop you! Now get back in that boardroom and apologize."

'I've used up all my eligibilities'

"Every time I explore the corners of my mind, I have the urge to dust."

"Mirror, mirror on the wall ... what the heck is up with my hair?"

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'