Seeing Clearly Crew T-Shirts

'I-need-bifocal-itis.'

'There's nothing on.'

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

Local News in Heaven

Lifesaver!

'For our next party, let's invite a carpenter, a painter and an upholsterer so they can help us clean up afterward.'

'I said, you're supposed to be in the underworld.'

It became increasingly difficult for the captain to reward his crew and still maintain his ferocious reputation.

NHS/Private Eye Care.

"I wish I'd had the eye test before I got married."

Triceratops watching television with satellite dish made from own horns.

"This is supposed to be the clean room so we'll give it an additional five minutes."

"This is Sally Whitgart on TV -- We now switch you to Bart Fribledale on the Internet...."

The Manipulation of Justice

"She's sinking alright, Captain. Even the rats are wearing life jackets!"

Council worker sweeping under car.

"They're flight attendants."

Focus Group: "Better or worse? How about now? Better or worse?"

The captain had longe suspected the impending mutiny. But from who?

"Your sailing skills are improving but you need more work on the 'drop anchor' part."

"Aye, Cap'n. He's handsome. But I'm fairly certain the manual says 'parrot.' Not 'ferret.'" "Arrgh. Shut yer yap and fetch me some rum."

350-million-miles from earth but now right in our living rooms.

Woman on TV says: 'Remember, you can download the best bits of this show as a video podcast, if you really have no life.'

'I'm inquiring about the damage control position.'

'Hmm, yes sir, I think we may need to review that quote that I gave you over the phone.'

"I've been reformatted for television."

'The problem isn't your high definition television, it's your low definition eyes.'

"Is it just the merciless sun playing havoc with a man's senses?"

'Do you have any other identification?'

'Why do I need to DVR this show when they play it over and over again?'

"Have you read all these?"

"After Thanksgiving dinner, the only thing more stuffed than me is the dishwasher."

"I called maintenance. They said if it gets any bigger they'll send someone up."

Your tax $ at work...unless it's a weekend, one of 17 holidays or after 4 PM!

"Look, salsa! This explains why the captain brought tortilla chips."