Security Measure Enthusiast Gifts

"She'll lick you to death."

'Where was the TSA?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Of course, if they ever start to suspect all their TVs are watching them back, we may have problems."

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

"All it will do is move crime to the South Pole."

"Sorry kid, I work alone."

CCTV in church.

Who are the most important people at the World Cup?

The Ayatollah Bomb?

Biro Security

"I am wearing sunglasses and using sunscreen with 50% UV protection. What could possibly go wrong?"

'Since PRISM, nothing is 'off the record' any more.'

"Some fine day, my son, all this will be yours."

"Rest assured, anything you say in this office won't get repeated by me."

'This biometric ID badge is part of the new security system. The badge contains my encoded retinal scan, fingerprints, and level of job enthusiasm.'

"If you're my gramma you wouldn't have a problem consenting to a retina scan!"

"Fifth robbery this week. That's not a security camera ??" a local TV news station installed it to save time."

'Don't worry -- the security camera is for your own protection.'

Adopt your wireless home security system today!

The prime minister: the current threat to national security...

The ultimate Secret Service demotion. We're sending you to guard Mount Rushmore.

'Someone is reading our emails. I'm afraid this means we're going to have to talk to each other.'

'Arnold, blow the whole depot, then hightail it out of here.'

'Your father installed a security system.'

'He's Barack Obama? I thought you said 'he brought a bomb on!''

"Okay, what's your next, more expensive security system?"

'Principal McWit, a student without an appointment is here and says he's holding your computer access codes for ransom.'

'They take patient privacy so seriously around here they encrypt your name!'

'This fridge is fitted with CCTV.'

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'Halt! User name and password.'

'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

Every time I try to warn people about the threat level, they say, surely, you jest.