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'Here's a very sentimental script about a policeman.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

Herman Mankiewicz

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

'I can hold a match to his notebook.'

Mensa Does Improv

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

Hollywood producer.

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Hollywood producer.

Mark Twain and Charles Dickens make a joint appearance on the lecture circuit

“The two spaces after a period were a dead giveaway.”

Dip Pen

'Hang on a minute...'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

"That movie was very familiar...a cute little girl who hangs out with monsters from a secret world."

"Would you mind taking a look at this collection of my poems? Your opinion would mean a lot."

TV Situations vacant.