Scotland Prints

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

'You're lucky-you've the knees for it.'

'This spider's persistence is remarkable - that's web 9.0.'

'Do you believe in the Minister for Scottish Tourism?'

'That's the great Scottish Indian fighter, Hawkeye the Noo!'

BUREAU OF MISSING McPHERSONS

Mary Queen of Scots

For services to Tourism. . .

The Inevitable Let Down After The Capture Of The Lock Ness Monster

"He never passes by without a mischievous smile."

Experts concluded that the latest Loch Ness monster photograph,was merely a freak wave or floating debris.

"One day, son, all this could be Alex Salmond's!"

Desert Island Bagpipes

"Patience, oor wullie, patience!"

Scottish drill sergeant.

The Anti-Agent

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

'Thank-you God.'

UK border controls relaxed.

High security Santa's grotto

"Ours is not a creative clan."

'What clan do you belong to?'

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

"He's a guard dog."

'Well, you got the dog to protect you against criminals. Perhaps now you'll have to hire a criminal to protect you from the dog.'

'...this is Loch Lomand!'

"I'm not sure if we're named after passwords or vice versa."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"I see you've security marked your property."

Scottish party

"Yes, it's a safe: I was fed up with my winter provisions being raided by freeloaders!"

"Check the setting. I'm sure the CIA isn't hacking into our appliances just to burn your toast."

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'Nobody ever before had took much notice of Granny's homemade flour-sack bloomers.'

'Och lye the news'