Scoreboard Analyst Prints

"And now, since our local teams really stink, here are scores for actual good teams around the country that you might want to root for."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

The First Annual Game Show Week.

Cricket Accidents.

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

The Other Cooperstown

'He's gonna dunk on me. I just know it.'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'At least we don't have to accomplish anything in order to go to a bowl game.'

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

'...I don't like your chances!'

Centaur Forward

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

Roentgen tries to figure out what he's discovered.

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

'...You push the wrong button, and now, instead of our fans enjoying a fireworks display, we've got an international incident on our hands.'

Bessy had won the 100m sprint... but many suspected Steeroid abuse!

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

'Nice tackle, Dewey! You knocked the fur ball out of him!'

'The growing disparity of income is a tribute to our acumen.'

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Wilfried Zaha

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

Lost Season

Basketball.

Pessimists v Optimists.

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."