Schoolyard Storytellers Mugs

Rosewood Elementary E. Osgood Principal. I know you'll tell my parents about this, but I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Santa.

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

Harry Potter learns some 'new tricks' on his first day enrolled in a public school.

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

"Recess does things to a man."

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

'A dog ate my homework.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

"The first week of school is just review. You know. Scenes from last year's episode."

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

I miss recess!

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

'School was really exciting today -- they busted up a meth lab in chemistry class.'

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

'There is a kid at school who can play 'Jingle Bells' with his farts. That is impressive because flatulence is a difficult medium.'

'It's Johnny Taylor's snowsuit, but I don't think he's in there.'

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

Littletown High School. And that's where Bubba Parker stomped me

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

'Today, in kindergarten, we learned how to count to one.'

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

'Quick! Get me the dispute resolution mediator!'

"I forgot my homework, but there's a video of me doing it on youtube."

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

Wow, you're right! Your mom's regurgitated worms are way better than my mom's!

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

'When I was a student, wireless data transmission meant passing notes in class.'

Teacher's Lounge

"Can you believe it? Smiley kissed me! I was totally not expecting it. She's probably gonna blabber it to the whole school! If I'm lucky."

'This note from your teacher says you're doing great for a six year old. Doesn't she know you're fifteen?'

'I do know the capital of France. It's the letter 'F'!'

'These are the happiest days of your life.'