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Harry Potter learns some 'new tricks' on his first day enrolled in a public school.

"Recess does things to a man."

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"The first week of school is just review. You know. Scenes from last year's episode."

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

I rule by fear.

I miss recess!

"I'm tardy? Whew! I was afraid I was going to be late for school!"

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

'Billy takes his jungle gym seriously!'

'It's Johnny Taylor's snowsuit, but I don't think he's in there.'

'There is a kid at school who can play 'Jingle Bells' with his farts. That is impressive because flatulence is a difficult medium.'

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

'Quick! Get me the dispute resolution mediator!'

'No, he's right. Cows have three udders. One for skim milk, one for two percent and the third one's for lactose free.'

'You realize, don't you, that you are playing fast and loose with my self esteem?'

"Listen kid, you may have been a big man on playground."

'I would appreciate it if you don't call out in class.'

'These are the happiest days of your life.'

"Can you believe it? Smiley kissed me! I was totally not expecting it. She's probably gonna blabber it to the whole school! If I'm lucky."

"What a day. I played tag, a yucky girl kissed me, and I got the school's computers back online."

'What do you like about her?'

'If a tree falls in the forest...Do the other trees laugh at it?'

Upon returning to school, none of the boys could help but notice how much Allison had developed over summer vacation.

Bowl-A-Rama

'I don't have a dog, so have to eat homework myself.'

Bully accepts Paypal, Venmo or Bitcoin

"Who would've thought Ms. Eliot had so little sense of humor?"

"My day in school? Oh, it was special. I got a lot of attention and advice from the principal herself."

A good school report at last...how much did it cost you?