Sarcastic Diner Pillows

'Good evening sir, I hope you haven't been waiting long.'

"I'd recommend this."

"The name refers to the seating, not the cuisine."

"Since we don't do payback dinners, how does eighty bucks sound for the reasonably decent evening I think we've all had?"

"A tip?... Yes, I'll give you a tip. Never eat here, the service is terrible!"

Hugo's in a peevish mood today, I'd finish that broccoli if I were you

Try our nosh - you'll never get better!!

'It seems the environment people, the health department and the food and drug administration all have reservations about his place.'

'I was going to send back this dreadful wine - but then I realized it's the perfect match for your dreadful chicken.'

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

'Aside from the cockroach, how was everything?'

"We have an excellent shooting range..."

"It's gotta be a good place – we've been ignored for well over an hour now."

I've always wondered why waiters in fancy restaurants wear a napkin over their arm. Because when you see the check, you'll want something to cry into.

"Yes, we have several specials. But if we offered them to everybody, they wouldn't be special, would they?"

"You might as well pay the check now. I've already decided to ignore you for the rest of the evening."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"I can assure you ladies all our eggs come from free range chickens."

'Caesar salad?'

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

'I'm sorry the cod was not as good as when you came a month ago. It should have been - it was the same fish...'

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'I'm afraid the Chef's Surprise today is that he ran off with one of the waitresses.'

"See? I told you my fish was undercooked!"

Suddenly Harold froze, trying to remember if he had ordered a side of roaches, or if this was a gross violation of public healthcare policy.

'I'm not very hungry after eating my first quarter losses.'

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

'This food's disgusting.' - 'And such small portions.'

"The Mashed Potato Casserole with Creamed Spinach, Baked Egg and Garlic is half price tonight, sir. It's horrible."

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'