Rugged Life Embracer Mugs

Are you ever worried people will see all the stuff you put online? Not at all … because I don't put anything online. I'm not on Facebook, I'm not on Twitter, and I conduct all my business in person so they can be charmed by the twinkle in my mustache. You are looking at a man who's totally off the grid, little buddy. It's like talking to a Neanderthal. I also shave with a razor-sharp sliver of granite my grandfather bequeathed unto me.

The most fabulous Gran in the world.

Ultra-lazy sloth

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"You had me at alternative milk."

Some of us are calm on the surface but paddling like crazy underneath, and some of us are just the opposite.

Businessman at the deep end.

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'He's doing it again.'

"My new year resolutions were to continue eating, drinking, smoking and gambling...and I've stuck to all of them!"

"I hope I'm single for Valentine's because only I fully know my worth in chocolate."

"We tried healthy birthday treats. That lasted about a week."

Fortune teller predicts a bigger family for worried parents.

Starting is the scariest part.

Grandpa cheats death, puts in a pool.

Man rummaging through a TV set throwing out bits of paper

"YOLO, baby. YOLO."

"Are you tempting fate with poor diet and little exercise?" "Tempting it"? I'm surprised we haven't been charged with entrapment.

Fear and Uncertainty

"Do we look like we filed electronically?"

'Hurray! I'm a baby!'

"I see a couple of chairs over there by the naked guy working on his laptop."

Salman Rushdie

We are 50 going on 15...

"If you aren't adverse to risk, I can put you in an attractive Ponzi scheme."

'Oh Lordy...another bad day at Black Rock dear?'

At least you didn't marry him.

Let It All Hang Out In Celebration. . .

'Congratulations, your days of avoiding the real world are finally over.'

"She's been seeing a very good grief counselor."

'The gardener in him sold out to the nature-conservationist.'

"We live here. We just dress this way to fit in."

'I don't have a problem with you spending $1,500 on golf clubs, so you shouldn't complain about my spending $100,000 on a sports car.'

'I'm putting you on a forced exercise program of walking. Hand over your driver's license!'

"Get a grip doctor, without death surgery would have no meaning."