Roommate Wranglers Pillows

"I've been thinking about what you said about three living as cheaply as two"

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

Speed Dating for Turtles

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Biofelineism

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'Are we broke yet?'

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

'Who gets the decaf?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'

I hate monday mornings.

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

"Dammit Harold, you know I hate that mask!"

"Who ordered a pizza?"

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.

"Much ado list"

"Next time don't use a herbed vinegar."