Roommate In Retirement Pillows

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Biofelineism

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Why bother?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

'Are we broke yet?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'Who gets the decaf?'

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"Dammit Harold, you know I hate that mask!"

"Next time don't use a herbed vinegar."

I hate monday mornings.

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.

"Much ado list"

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'