Risk-averse Investor Mugs

They're rich but not in a glamorous way. They're Certificate of Deposit rich.

'I'm a nervous investor so I asked my broker to dilute my market risk. My broker put me into a hedge fund of hedge funds of hedge funds.'

Stock market investment advice

"If I'm such a poor risk, how did I get so deep into debt?"

"I know it's a big risk, Fred, but don't lose sight of its strongest selling point: You're taking it, not me!"

"My name's Edwin, and I'm addicted to risk."

I think I can explain what happened to your investment, with the use of this simple chart.

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

Yomp Investments - Big risks sometimes means BIG BUCKS!: 'I'm a little uneasy about the 'sometimes'...'

Fish talking in a bar - one has a heap of hooks hanging out of his head 'And you must be the one who got away?'

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

"You asked to see me, boss?" "Yes, Rudy. We have a serious problem here." "I'm going to need you to stop humming the 'Star Wars' theme 24/7." "Disney is notoriously litigious. If they catch wind that you're publicly performing the theme, they may sue the cafe for royalties." "Daaaa... daaaa... duh-duh-duh daaaaaaa... daaaa... duh-duh-duh... wait, what?" "If you cost me my livelihood, I'll do to you what Han did to that Tauntaun."

Bought GE stock at its high.

'First of all, let's make one thing clear: greed is good.'

'That's Renfrew -- he's in charge of high-risk portfolios.'

Financial Prudence disappears.

A safe is about to fall on an unsuspecting man interested in risk-free investments.

'How did your big investment go, dear?'

'What's your tolerance for risk?'

"I think I need a professional money manager. I invest sixty five percent of my money gambling in casinos and thirty five percent I keep under the mattress."

"I'm a little uneasy about the 'sometimes'."

'It turns out it wasn't an Internet scam after all. It was just a really bad investment idea.'

"I bought it on Amazon. They have a good return policy."

'It's not really a growth OR a value portfolio. It's more of a feel-good portfolio.'

"After thoroughly researching all the details, I think we can now safely throw caution to the wind..."

'I'm not taking any chances with the water jump this year.'

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

'My accounts aren't insured, but it's the risk I take for higher interest rates.'

'I'm screwed...'

"I hope you know that's a mutual fund and not a sole proprietorship."

"If your instincts tell you to go out in a shark infested ocean then go. My instincts are sending me to a nice little aquarium out in the suburbs."

'Maybe hard work 'never killed anyone' but why take the risk?'

'Should I buy or sell?'

'It's not a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi FUND.'