Resume Ruminator Pillows

Oops, I spilled coffee on my resume. Uh-oh, that's a stain on your record!

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

'You've spelt 'C.V.' wrongly.'

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

Laid off from a dot-com? Ask about our resume-writing software.

"I don't need your resume. Your current employer forwarded me a ton of security video that you're featured in."

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

"In the room the women come and go. Talking of Michelangelo."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

"I've got some skills - I'm just not sure they add up to a 'set.'"

'I'll stop saying you've changed jobs too many times if you'll stop giving me notice.'

Employment Dept. Fill Out Job Applications Here. This application form has too much space for "work experience" and not enough for "leisure activities."

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

'If you want to see my resume, it's on my cave wall.'

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

'You say that you dreamt you got a job here?... And in your dream did you have a better CV than this?'

"Since you applied here your tech skills have become obsolete."

'I would've hired you if you had fudged a little more on your application.'

"I think...therefore I am. I think."

"Your resume was good, up until the point where you said, 'Don't make me beg.'"

'Sorry, but I have to put 'Orca': Who would hire a 'Killer Whale'?...'

'But you got a second interview, that's something.'

"I really like smart women."

'... and I especially like this attribute... 'an immigrant's work ethic'.'

'The secret to happiness is awaiting F.D.A. approval.'

'Have you got something that says, 'I've got a headache?''

"For those missing years, I refer you to my book 'Lost in Tanzania.'"

"This is an impressive resume, but do you have other experience besides 'barking a lot'?"

I'm his lawyer, here to defend inaccuracies in his resume.

'Sure I submitted somebody else's resum? - I'm the victim of a stolen identity.'

'Your previous employer hinted that you have a problem with chronic career self-sabotage. What's that all about?' 'Why don't you hire me, dummy, and find out for yourself?'