Resume Connoisseur Prints

'About this cv of yours...' - 'You can skip over the part about the potty training.'

The First Annual Game Show Week.

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'Love me little, love me long.'

Of pitting his own wits against their natural cunning

"He's an abstract artist."

Sundar Pichai's first doodle.

"Can you take a video of me attacking the garbage so I can post it on Instagram?"

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

Goldilocks and the three boyfriends.

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

S**t Threw a Goose

'If content is king, why doesn't anybody want to pay for it.'

'I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"It's called 'Sold'."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

Brighter days are ahead. I love it when I hear that in both news and weather segments of the program.

'The website made a mistake. Not 'erotic' - 'neurotic'.'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

Somebody should really be filming this for YouTube.

"Who's the artist?"

"According to our eye tracking studies,either nobody is looking at the content on our site, or all the participants have lazy eye."

'I see that you have a B.A. degree in collating and stapling. Your parents must be very proud.'

At Mary Higgins Clark's book club.

Note to viewers: we've cut back on sexual content by replacing it with violence.

Resume Consultant. I can polish up your resume, but I won't be able to pound all the dents. (Published originally on Janurary 8, 2009.)

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

"You have indeed purchased an original Rembrandt. A Ralph Rembrandt."

"I said 'I quit'. Nobody listens to me any more."

'I'm hiring a football equipment manager to add some padding to my résumé.'

"I'm afraid you will have to sign a non-disclosure agreement."