Restaurant Culture Pillows

'I'll have a BLT.' 'ASAP or PDQ?'

Choice hellhole

'I find I get much better service when I use a $100 bill instead of a napkin.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'He left it to me. Isn't a double Salmanazar of '55 Chateau Cheval Blanc the perfect match with the side garden salad?'

'Could I just get one that's wine flavored?'

The Ivy

Comedy Cafe

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'There is a good reason why there's not much on the menu - Our chef is out sick with food poisoning!'

'Today's special is yesterday's left-overs.'

'OK, here are the rules: We can't be seen by humans and can't leave droppings around, otherwise, they'll close the restaurant...'

"Welcome to the Short Staffed Cafe serving food like your grandma cooked. Is your grandma busy? We really need a cook."

'Too much salt!'

'I don't have enough money for a tip, but feel free to eat the leftovers!'

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

No fly tipping.

'At least we got to eat before the server went down.'

'Glass of water? Certainly - there it is!'

I don't think your heart's in the hospitality game.

The art of pizza

Waiter serving a man on a plate

'I was arrested for stealing too many artificial sweetener packets from restaurants.'

Smoking Section

You're certain you've had plenty of experience serving in a fine dining restaurant?

"No sir, that's not the bill total. That's the suggested gratuity."

"Compliments to the chef. It really is superbly cooked!"

Food left unattended will be eaten by waiter.

"May I recommend the prawns? - The freezer's on the blink and they need to be used. . ."

"The Halloween Special is the pork and kraut. It'll come back and haunt you."

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

Earning the Tip

Man forgets to tip a waiter

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Take your time. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."