Restaurant Critic With Pets Pillows

Dog Dressed to Eat

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

Your lobster was off!

"How fresh is the calamari?"

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

"And how would you like your steak?"

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."