Report Writing Pillows

'Yes Sir, I finished the report two days ago - I'm just trying to decide on what font to use.'

'Take this report and reduce it to an acronym.'

"I don't like these sales figures. Prepare them in another color and font and resubmit them."

'Take this report and put it into the form of a bumper sticker.'

'Overwhelm the facts with interpretation and have it on my desk Thursday.'

The finance department finally achieved their ambition to produce a report that no-one could understand...

"The report is good, but a bit too truthful..."

"Do you remember when ALL we had to worry about was dealing with clients?"

Given seven minutes to finish, he flashed through the weekly report.

"...there's not a single shareholder...who will be able to understand any part of it!"

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

"1984 by George Orwell. Project 2025. Presidential transition project."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Copycats

I should be a writer when I grow up...

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

'How fast can you hype?'

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

Squeezing the Free Press.

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

Campaign for Plain English

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

For his next book, he would write an epic novel of the sea.

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

Library sections; Fiction, non-fiction and do-it-yourself.

"When I grow up, I'm writing the Great American App."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"