Renovation Realist T-Shirts

'They had a sale on electric green.'

"Didn't we have a door over there?"

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

'Here! Call the contractor. I don't want to hear any nonsense about goals, or touchdowns, or baskets. I want to see shovels! Lots and lots of shovels!'

"That? Oh, that's the contractor insult tax. We add that to the invoice when a customer treats us as if we're somehow constantly contriving to rip them off."

'I found the termites!'

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

World Production.

'What kind of alteration did you have in mind?'

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Inventor of the Tudor spirit-level

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Great moments in science. . . 'Nice work, you've isolated the funding gene.'

Renovation work at Mount Rushmore.

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

"I'm all set to start the weekend reno project..." "And I'm all set to call 911."

'This guy's FAST!'

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"Fourteen months ago, I started with H20. I just ended with H20."

'We wanted to maintain the integrity of the original house.'

Blood is thicker than water. Oil is thicker yet.

"Listen, Baldo, I know what you're thinking...but as part of the management team, I can say with all confidence that your job is safe."