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A cock up of builders

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'Can you tell me how my new kitchen is coming along?'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"Frosty the Repairman"

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

Stone henge swing.

Man looking at sign that reads 'Hord Wark' and says: "I can't put that up. It's too much like hard work."

How to Build a Bungalow

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

'Don't worry. The first 30 years of being an inspector are the hardest.'

Wallpapering 4

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

I need a 10 foot board. That's 70 feet in dog feet.

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

"Listen George, in exchange for two bricklayers and three electricians I can let you have one seasoned plumber and one first round graduate from trade school." "Mnnn. Okay. But, only if you throw in ten Porta Potties." "Ah, John. Can we make it two first round graduates?" "Done."

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

'A new concept. The inside out house.'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

'That must be the termite inspector.'

"The carpet really brings the room together."

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

Goldfish in Bowl, "And this is the sitting room and the bedroom and the toilet and...."

"We'll take it."

'I knew this would be easy. We built it last year.'

'I forgot to close the door?...Seriously? Who puts a door on a hole?'

"Look, you always hated the wicker furniture and bamboo is scarce, so consider it a win-win."

'The developers of this flu vaccine can't explain it, but its only side effect is that it may cause your HVAC system to go hay wire for a bit.'

"Thank God he was wearing a safety helmet."