Reluctant Realist Pillows

'Wake up! You should be worrying about our investments!'

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

"I've never read such utter nonsense! There's a guy here reckons we're all living in some kind of computer simulation!"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Could you spare some change for a guy fresh off welfare?"

Telling Self to Buzz Off

"You asked to see me, boss?" "Yes, Rudy. We have a serious problem here." "I'm going to need you to stop humming the 'Star Wars' theme 24/7." "Disney is notoriously litigious. If they catch wind that you're publicly performing the theme, they may sue the cafe for royalties." "Daaaa... daaaa... duh-duh-duh daaaaaaa... daaaa... duh-duh-duh... wait, what?" "If you cost me my livelihood, I'll do to you what Han did to that Tauntaun."

"Just sitting here widening. You?"

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

We have control of you brain.

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

"You're going to the Partner's Social whether you like it or not!"

"She stood me up. I hosed off my Crocs for nothing."

'When did the world get into such a big hurry?'

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

I resolve to drive past a gym at least twice a week

Success Without Effort

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

"You can be anything!". . . "Take whatever you can get."

Japanese disaster

'From what I've been hearing about it, I'm not sure I want a grip on reality.'

'No fortune cookies please - I don't want to get my hopes up.'

Half full head of hair, half empty head of hair.

"When people talk about a 'staycation' this isn't what they mean!"

"Old MacDonald had a farm"