Relationship Joke Fan Prints

'We don't bond any more.'

Life is for the birds.

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

You were warned about mixed marriages.

"You're hogging the covers again!"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

'They were all out of roses.'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.

"When I'm with you, Ted, I feel dirty."

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

"Manfred, don't get so defensive!"