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'New rule. From now on you don't just sit in the penalty box. You also get a root canal.'

'I will need to watch the replay.'

Shaving Cream in Football

"I'm here to ensure there's no hanky-panky with the ball's inflation."

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

'I'd better make a note of your blood group...'

"With the prices they charge these days I can't afford to throw a pie or can off beer at the ref."

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

"To be honest, I'm not really surprised to hear your relationship isn't working out. You're not the first bacterium and penicillium to sit in those chairs and you certainly won't be the last."

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

'Now what?!'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

'I'm sure it's a violation, but I can't find it in the rule book.'

"... and come out fighting, boys."

College of Referee Training: 'Congratulations, you failed your eye test abysmally!'