Recruitment Specialist Pillows

"We're still having problems with recruitment, but Martin's making some progress with staff retention."

Cleaner in front of interview panel - 'So what makes you want to apply for the job of Equity Fund Manager?'

'right, make sure any new companies we acquire have an ageing workforce'

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'

'They're the ideal temp workers! Easy to train, industrious, punctual... And with a thirteen-day life-span, they conveniently die before collecting a paycheck!'

Suddenly, and without warning, Ed realised his job interview had turned into a car crash.

'It's a grueling job that requires a strong commitment and personal sacrifice. Is your mother available?'

"So what attracted you to us?"

'This is a great place to work...They give you a day off every time you get married!'

'Do you have any previous experience as a Pope?'

'He's had a complete career shutdown....'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"This is Mr Smith, he's our new recruitment expert."

'We greet all newcomers with a welcome pack.'

Human Resources want to knw why you called the job 'deputy logistics facilitation support worker'...because it sounded better than 'skivvy'.

Sorry, Mr Arbutnot, I'm not interested

'I'm looking for a 'yes' man, but your work with 'I totally agree' and 'You're absolutely correct' is outstanding!'

CIA, NOW HIRING, 'My resume? - I memorized it and burned it.'

'I need to hire more people. I can't keep making all of these mistakes.'

"I've decided to fill the job internally. I just don't like dealing with headhunters."

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

"Tell us something we don't know."

'We're looking for someone with a degree in mathematics who will be willing to work 25 hours a day.'

'ABC Manufacturing, now firing'

'Think OUTSIDE the box, not ABOUT the box.'

"Maybe I should explain what we mean by a 'team player' type?"

"Uncertainty over the implications of Brexit are causing huge problems with recruitment."

Wanted: dishwasher or handsome rich guy.

"I need to have plenty of honey in the break room and also I'm not
very productive during the winter months."

"The firm is absolutely committed to diversity in its employment policies."

'We're looking for someone who's very responsible. In fact, we're looking for someone who's always responsible.'

Kahn investments are trying to poach our staff again, sir.

"We're a little ahead of the curve here at Smith, Jones and KRX-421."

"So how much would you say you drank on an average day?"

"I excel at appearing awake in meetings."