Recently Laid Off Pillows

"What are your plans now that you've outlived your usefulness?"

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

The breakup

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

"You're all hashtag summarily dismissed."

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

"Actually, this time we're not being asked to do more with less. Instead, we're being asked to do whatever we want, somewhere else, effective immediately."

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

What Bob thought outside the box.

"I gave you the axe. How dare you come back and use it to intimidate me."

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

"Maybe we should've done layoffs after the holiday party."

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

The 12 Days of Covidmas

By camouflaging himself, Ed was able to avoid being a victim of the company's massive layoffs.

"Don't forget to torch the place when you leave."

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

'You do outstanding work, Nelson, but I'm afraid Higby makes me look better.'

'OK everyone get out... we're downsizing!'

"Guys, I can't afford to be laid off."

"But I was told this was included in my severance package."

'Relax, I'm not here for you. Just for your job.'

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

"I'm not good at confrontation, so unscramble this phrase in your head for a surprise message."

"You're fired."

'It was a parting gift when I was given subjective redundancy.'