Reality Cooking Fan Prints

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

"I can't give you a prescription for milk and cookies."

Ode to a Grill

'Guess what I've got for lunch today...a piece of my wife's delicious rum cake.'

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

Dispute between Pelosi and Trump

Disaster in the kitchen.

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs would make a great reality show."

'...Nadine Dorries has sent you a present from Australia. She said as soon as she saw it she thought of you!'

As Seen On TV

Man sees capitol building: 'Truth, Justice, Reality TV'

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).

'You don't know how much it would mean to me if you could just jump.'

"Look at the size of this gas bill - you'll have to get rid of some of those celebrity chefs!!"

'OK, you've got your problems. Now, you can keep them and walk away - or trade them with whoever's behind door number one, two or three.'

'Pardon me, M'sieur -- Did you order 'grilled cheese' or 'chilled grease'?'

"There's our cure for the munchies! Gluten, we love your pizza!!" "You're our hero, gluten."

The Party of Lincoln

'And stir to a smooth consistency.'

"Do I have to pay the plaintiff the same amount again for each rerun of my case on TV?"

Michael Grade is right...ITV needs more real writers which is why we want you to commission 'celebrity novelists get me out of here'.

'We need more cake shows!'

'Because I CAN'T follow my dreams, dummy!'

'Take us to your - y'know whasisname - that chap who came runner up in 'Pop Idol''

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."

'It's a new reality show call 'Detoxing with the Stars'...'

Ahh, Chicken Soup

"If we want a realistic strawberry flavour we'll need to add more salicyaldehide and hydrobenzoic acid."