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"My gut instinct told me to come"

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"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

Great doing business with you. I look forward to next year.

"I'm trying to gain 10 pounds before midnight so I can keep my resolution to lose 10 pounds next year."

'My mother's resolution is to eat more vegetables, and my resolution is to help her by giving her mine.'

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

'Well, there goes the last of my New Years resolutions...'

'Attention everyone! I'd like to make a rebuttal of the resolution my husband just made about my going SHOPPING.'

'Let it go. Get on with your death.'

Wife asking husband what resolutions he is going to make for the new century

My New Year's resolution is to be a better person. Very noble. I want to work harder to improve the planet. What's your resolution, mom? Pretty much the same. To be a better-looking person? Hey! It's planetary cleanup. Nan's Hair and Nails.

'My new year's resolution is to stay home next new year's eve.'

'You haven't seem my New Years Resolutions have you?...The one where I'm committing to 2,5000 billable hours and pulling in 6 major clients.'

Their first New Year's solution was easy to fulfill: turning the foodchain.

If it makes you fell any better, I had to make seven New Year's resolutions, and I'm sure I'll break every last one. Ice cream.

"My new year's resolution. . . .Not to drink out of the toilet."

What can I get you? Ham sandwich with extra cheese. Double banana split. Side of sugar. Coming up, sir. I am abandoning my New Year's diet! If you're gonna go down, go down in flames. Burn these gym clothes!

My resolution this year? Getting in shape so I can lift my favorite snacks!

Good intentions last a month on average

New Years Resolutions: Join Gym. . .Cancel Gym.

"Ah, but that wasn't a campaign promise - It was a NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!"

Dear Diary...Resolutions

'At midnight we want to move to the non-smoking section so my husband can keep his New Year's resolution.'

"Your New Years resolution was to give up the grog!"

"Those image resolutions are crystal clear, but it's my New Year's resolutions that are getting pretty fuzzy."

Great ... Thanks to your "calendar" invention, now I have to think of a New Year's resolution.

"I feel like all I did in January was work out, eat healthy, strive for meaningful and balanced relationships, and improve my sleep schedule -- thank god that nightmare's over."

"Stacy, Tom thinks you've been acting distance since you became a flight attendant."

"Sure-fire weight loss program."

"My primary challenge is to strip away the hardened carapace of societal expectations..."

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

"We're cutting back on therapy. You?"