Quiz Show Star Mugs

"My answers could be right. Your quiz just asked the wrong questions."

"Now our contestant will try to guess which of you is the very last individual of your species."

Victoria's pre-marriage questionnaire continues...'Can I get input from the guys at the bar on this one?'

Before the Internet

'I know the answer. I just need a moment to come to grips with it.'

Senior Jeopardy!

Academic Jeopardy - "The great unknowns and cosmic uncertainties of the universe are reduced by this number daily."

"I'd like to buy a BOWEL."

"The official measure of an inch is three iPhones stacked on top of each other."

"Our next contestant is Mildred and her specialist subject is "Other People's Business""

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

"If Shakespeare were alive today, he would be driving this make of Sports Utility Vehicle."

"Next riddle without looking it up, can you tell me which is the routing number and which is the account?"

Bob Monkhouse

At the celebrity jobcentre...

"Perhaps we'd be more likely to reach an agreement if the British delegate would stop shouting 'Deal or no deal' all the time."

I lost as a contestant on the quiz show, but they gave me this lovely parting gift...

'Then in the next round, I said to Carol, vowel, consonant, vowel, consonant...'

Academic Jeopardy - "This was Titian's favorite after-dinner dessert."

Alternative Game Shows: Shooting Stars

"Can you tell the class how you spell Albuquerque?"

Academic Jeopardy - "Reality divided by two gives us this truth."

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

And that's why I'm still single!

Universe Challenge

"No conifering, please."

'How can I enjoy 'Jeopardy' when she keeps blurting out the answers?'

'Hi Peter, it's Chris Tarrant here, from 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?''

"I'm sorry, 'Because I said so' is not an acceptable answer."

Big Quiz. -900. +4800. +7230. Ernie, can you believe he calls himself a "smart appliance"?

"Angry or Hangry?

'And your specialist subject is the Invisible Man films?'

"errrm..I think I'll phone a friend."

'No! The bully in Tom Brown's Schooldays was called 'Flashman' not 'Paxman'.'

Ian Hislop.