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"Things that scare Jimmy #6 Grandpa eats a banana"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'We're doing the right thing, Bob, Let Andy solve problems with bullies at school his own way,,,'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"So this is the Mr. Waring who has made such a great impression on my little girl."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"Mom, are you sure I'm not adopted?"

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

'Simple case of gravity, mom.'

I think it's time he left home.'

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"If it slows down, just ask my father about the murder he always swears he did not commit."

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

"Act your birth order!"

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

'I try to run my family like a democracy, but what I really need is a line-item veto.'