Quippy Quoter Prints

The refinancing didn't come through -- I say we just walk away from the project.

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

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Backfire

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Macbeth: Take Two

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

Plant Parenthood...

'Is the water cold?'

'My dentist recommended it.'

"If all you have is a whatchamacallit then every problem looks like a thingamajig."

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

"I can never go metric. 'Al's 30.48 Centimeter Hot Dogs' just doesn't sound right."

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

"You've got termites."

'It says 'three percent split infititives, 8 percent passive verbs, 16 percent compound-complex sentences,average sentence length 26 words,paperback rights $3.2 million,movie sales $8.3 million,total take $11.5 million,less 5 percent agents fees.'

Death Watch

Great mouser!

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

"Larry, did you water the plant?"

Over. Under. Sideways. Kid.

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

'Why don't you get Tommy to help you carry that?' 'He's inside there carrying the clothes.'

'Do you have any white with a hint of discount?'

'Being finicky has nothing to do with taste - it's about power and control.'

'They're called 'ladies in waiting,' not 'those broads downstairs'!'

'If a rooster can crow why can't a crow rooster?'

"Just say what you have to say, Harwell, and get out."

Waiter holding a smartphone: 'Would you like it Instagrammed?'

"If I had that much money to give to the democratic party, I'd be a Republican."

"It says here 'No man is an island'. What about the Isle of Man?"

"We'd like you to be the quirky but lovable teen-age daughter,"

'My fault?! You're the one who said, 'Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself.''