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Crime A-L

50 shades of brown.

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"It can't be much of a life working all day, but at least he gets to wear a stripey jersey."

"He refuses to use these now they've made them gender nonspecific."

"Think about the honey."

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

Carpool lane (a car driving into a long pool).

I was starting a new chapter in my life and I tripped over a footnote.

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

Ghost Scare-apy Sessions

'And in conclusion...'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

'I'm writing you a prescription for some people soup.'

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

Tips on how to reduce those unsightly crow's feet.

Hotness

Literate Dogs.

'According to his will, Tiddles left the bulk of his estate to himself. Because, he still has eight lives left.'

'In the circumstances, I think we should skip the housewarming party.'

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

'You give me goose bumps!'

It's not a stampede … It's a flash mob!

"Your four-o'clock is here."

'I wanted to go straight. . . but then I learned a law degree.'

Larry's Literary Market.

"Waiter, there aren't any flies in my soup!"

"Of course you're bored, sweetie. It's the fin de siècle."

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

The static electric eel is very rare.

Weather forecast

Hell's Schlegel

'It's for my teacher. Do you have one with love spelled right?'