Publish-or-perish Aficionado Prints

Professor McWit, Didn't Publish, So Perished.

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Commandments aren't really selling these days. However, we're willing to consider self-help tips or personal improvement ideas."

Editor.

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

'Being a brilliant,inspiring teacher is NOT adequate, Hackwell....'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Man with long beard looks at centerfold in Beard Monthly magazine.

Editor. Short. Sweet.

How very Independent!

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

"We need a better distribution system."

Publishing Clauses Of The '90s.

'Brilliant writing, Mr. Fenswick, but I'm afraid we'll have to pass on your 'How to Commit the Perfect Crime'!'

Publisher: 'Do we need more books?'

"I was able to get you a 2-book deal."

'I self-published my e-book and uploaded it into 'the cloud'...but I'm not sure which one.'

'It says 'three percent split infititives, 8 percent passive verbs, 16 percent compound-complex sentences,average sentence length 26 words,paperback rights $3.2 million,movie sales $8.3 million,total take $11.5 million,less 5 percent agents fees.'

Book Shop: DYI section

"Legal is concerned you made up your 'True Life' adventures."

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

Literary Advice

NBS NEWS DIVISION, 'You've written a nice editorial on Sarah Palin here, but change 'said' to 'spewed,' and 'speech' to 'vitriol.''

'Enforcing the publish or perish rule, Dean McWit?'

'Where do you see yourself not getting tenure in seven years?'

"It's the grisly story of the brutal murder of a publisher who rejected a brilliant novel about the brutal murder of a publisher who..."

"Dear Author: Your novel is incomparably brilliant! Unfortunately, we aren't looking for incomparably brilliant novels at this time."

I'm afraid we only accept manuscripts through an agent, except spy novels, which we only accept through a double agent.

"On what planet do you imagine this would be funny?"

'I've been working on this novel since I was 10 years old.'

'Bestseller list? But is it print, ebook or combo?'

Don't get so excited - it's from you. Self-publishers Clearinghouse. I may already be a winner!