Psychotherapy Aficionado Pillows

"Nobody loved little William Poopy-Pants."

'Actually, what makes you think I suffer from insufficiency syndrome?'

'Look, you can only do so much!'

Licensed Therapist

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

'My understanding of psychiatry is that women fantasiss and men internalise - in fact I'd like to internalise right now.'

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Don't you think it's time we talked about Operation Doug?"

"I can't decide if we're good people who are bad at communicating, or monsters who communicate perfectly."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Freudian, Jungian, Adlerian – none of it compares to retail therapy."

"Postwar is hell."

"Easy for you to say - you're cured!"

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

Couples' therapy

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"I sometimes think you're the only one who listens to me."

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

X-ray Psychology.

"I'm the bad guy..."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

'...and now, Gentlemen, we come to our final lecture in advanced cardiology...'

* For latent content, see your psychiatrist.

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

Pavlov's Puppy

'I get the feeling you're wagging your tale on the outside and crying on the inside.'

"It's hard not to take a mutiny personally."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'We have three minutes left.'

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

"I recommend that you two find a way to spice up your shelf life."