Proud Grandparent Pillows

'My grandson has been walking from an early age. . . Oh yes, in fact, by the time he was two he'd been walking three years.'

"Hey, I'll do the kvelling around here."

"You weren't kidding, those are just tiny pictures of your grandkids!"

Ask me about your grandkids.

"You didn't ask me about my grandchildren."

'Who has the fairest grandchildren of them all?'

Let me tell you about my grandchildren/Spare Me.

New Grandad

"Mom handles all my unwanted calls. She goes on about the grandkids and they never call back!"

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

The Busy Gardener

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"Don't worry, dear. You'll grow."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

The Zoo.

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

Madonna of the Pukes.

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Cry babies.

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'Ahhh...'

The Baby Walker

"Look Mommy, hat!"

Paul Klee