Property Transformer T-Shirts

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"I can't believe how great my life is now: We used to live in an apartment, but now, I have my own garden..."

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

'Today is the tomorrow I feared yesterday. . .'

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

Canned laughter for sale in Theatrical Supplies shop.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

The stages of gentrification: a guide

"For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer, a fake knife, and a mirrored box with a secret compartment."

"I don’t know, Margaret. She looks like the type who makes exotic stuffings."

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

Nothing is Lost Everything is Transformed.

'For Sale by Neighbor'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

An exaggeration of estate agents

Mouse real estate!

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

'On the face of it, it sounds great that she left me her house, but it has gone stale and what Hansel and Gretel didn't eat the birds have had a go at.'

'Nothing this week †between your pay and your deductions, you broke even.'

'I need to tell Edgar...our house sold for a million two.'

'Miss Wilson, get on the web and find me everything on bottles!'

'The owner would have shown you around himself, but he doesn't rise untill after sunset.'

"This spectacular 40 room property has majestic views of the valley and village and it was tastefully renovated after the most recent Viking incursion."

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

'Floodplain close - House on stilts with ladder. Estate Agent saying, 'Welcome onto the property ladder...''

UP Again: Housing Prices.

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

"Like I told you Gladys: location, location, location."

"I don't care that you personalized your work area, but stop yelling 'Howdy, neighbor!' to everyone you see!"

"Anything in Mr, Rogers' neighborhood?"

Have you considered the possibility that you're only hiding from yourself?

For Sale By Owner

"This isn't a fixer upper. It's a down-and-outer."