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"I can't believe how great my life is now: We used to live in an apartment, but now, I have my own garden..."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"I'm bored - let's buy a house in the country that has lots of problems."

"Well, we're down to bare brick, natural wood, and raw nerves."

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"A little baking soda will get rid of the smell.

Mouse real estate!

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

An exaggeration of estate agents

'On the face of it, it sounds great that she left me her house, but it has gone stale and what Hansel and Gretel didn't eat the birds have had a go at.'

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

'I need to tell Edgar...our house sold for a million two.'

'The owner would have shown you around himself, but he doesn't rise untill after sunset.'

"You should consider buying."

"It's like a tiny house, but bigger."

"It's a great Fixer-Upper and this is Ken, single, available and a pretty decent handyman."

"Ok Mr. Bisley, I'll admit it does need a bit of renovation..!"

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"I'm looking for something a little more open pan."

"You see a haunted house, I see a house with good bones."

"I told you we should have sold last winter."

'Of course, some assembly is required. That's why my bid was so low.'

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

'Floodplain close - House on stilts with ladder. Estate Agent saying, 'Welcome onto the property ladder...''

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).

UP Again: Housing Prices.

"Admittedly, it is a bit of a 'fixer upper'."

"To be honest, we were thinking of something like a Cape Cod."

"Like I told you Gladys: location, location, location."

For Sale By Owner

"This isn't a fixer upper. It's a down-and-outer."

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'