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"I can't believe how great my life is now: We used to live in an apartment, but now, I have my own garden..."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"I'm bored - let's buy a house in the country that has lots of problems."

"Well, we're down to bare brick, natural wood, and raw nerves."

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"A little baking soda will get rid of the smell.

Mouse real estate!

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

An exaggeration of estate agents

'On the face of it, it sounds great that she left me her house, but it has gone stale and what Hansel and Gretel didn't eat the birds have had a go at.'

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

"Ok Mr. Bisley, I'll admit it does need a bit of renovation..!"

'I need to tell Edgar...our house sold for a million two.'

"You should consider buying."

"It's a great Fixer-Upper and this is Ken, single, available and a pretty decent handyman."

'The owner would have shown you around himself, but he doesn't rise untill after sunset.'

"I'm looking for something a little more open pan."

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"It's like a tiny house, but bigger."

"I told you we should have sold last winter."

'Of course, some assembly is required. That's why my bid was so low.'

"You see a haunted house, I see a house with good bones."

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

'Floodplain close - House on stilts with ladder. Estate Agent saying, 'Welcome onto the property ladder...''

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).

UP Again: Housing Prices.

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

"Like I told you Gladys: location, location, location."

For Sale By Owner

"Anything in Mr, Rogers' neighborhood?"

"This isn't a fixer upper. It's a down-and-outer."

Monopoly game - "You just gazumped me!"

"To be honest, we were thinking of something like a Cape Cod."