Progress Announcer Pillows

'I imagine you'd like to hear about my progress...'

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

'We're making progress. I just got a firm 'maybe'.'

The Ascent of Woman

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"I'm as progressive as they come, except for my money. No one touches my money."

"Gosh, I can't believe it's been over 25 years since our company was dragged, kicking and screaming, into the digital age!"

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Bureau to cut back on bureaucratic paperwork...

Presenter Auditions.

Businessman with two boxes: 'Innovate' and 'Out of Date'

"That was Brad with the Democratic weather. Now here's Tammy with the Republican weather."

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

"What's with kids nowadays? Walking upright's not good enough for you?"

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'The National Debt just sounds like it's a lot of money because it's such a large number.'

"Sure, but what have you invented lately?"

"I understand your feelings, dear, but don't you think that Jane Pauley would just as soon see you keep your strength up?"

The Art of Bantering!

Weather reporter feels guilty every time it rains.

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

"Well, for starters, Matt has been showing definite improvement in risk-taking."

'Though we must innovate, and though we must grow, we must never lose sight of our core mediocrities.'

Dorothy finds the Yellow brick road is now a 6-lane expressway.

'Don't tell me - you've come as a newsreader?'

The Enemies Within? They're the Boys in Blue

"Kevin's job as a train announcer seriously affected his love-life..."

Lorne Greene

Clancy: Around here we call that progress!

Look at those guys with their wheel, spears, fire and writing --- The geeks will inherit the earth.

Supermarket Newscaster