Primate Punster Pillows

'The other hand.'

"The hardest part is admitting you have a problem."

"Remember? Pretend I'm not here!"

'If you think you're making me jealous. Think again.'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

"If you're tired of stegosaur, go kill something else."

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

You too?! I go around feeling half asleep all the time also!

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

"Nope, I still only have one bar."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

Sweep the board.

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

Ideas Ahead of their Time

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Water is discovered on the moon....

'Iguana know what time it is.'

Dogs life

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"