Primary-care Physicians Pillows

"You can't list your iPhone as your primary-care physician."

A female patient in an exam room sees a sign that reads, 'Break glass in case of physician burnout'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

Ice Cream Surgeon

Doctor examining Easter Island statue.

A midwife holding a baby

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

'Don't feel bad — all tree huggers get a splinter now and then.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"Your contents have shifted."

"The first one's just a warning."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"We're playing doctor. Do you have any old magazines for our waiting room?"

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

"Would you please step back to the machine while I make an adjustment?"

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"I can't give you a prescription for milk and cookies."

"My, grandma, what a big nose you have! Let's take a little off the sides."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

Physician tending a mummy.