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"For a change of pace, you shout and answer and I'll make up a question."

God Gives His First Press Conference

'This is an amicable split. Coach O'Neill has done a great job. We just have different ideas...'

Diddly

"I'm stepping down to spend more time with my chin."

The media became obsessed with the idea of 'The Most Important Potato Chip in the Bag'.

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

Mark Anthony on Zoom.

'I'm now going to open the floor to questions.'

"I will answer anything but questions."

'You think he overheard my last lecture on tax code revision?'

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

"Please refrain from throwing business cards."

Newspaper

'No comment for now, but there will be a press leak at four.'

'I need to appear bold and decisive. Won't someone PLEASE ask me a yes or no question?'

"Remember this? One sweetheart of a deal!"

"But for an update in GM products in farming we have a spokescarrot."

Dollars Press Conference

'Your presentation on the advantages of e-commerce would've been better had it not been for the use of the word 'dude' 183 times.'

'I'm afraid turn out isn't as high as we'd expected...three of them misheard the date, five got the time wrong and everyone from marketing went to a hotel in Norwich by mistake.'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

"It's a fair COP26."

"Please remember - if the President doesn't get mad at you, don't take it personally - Mr. Trump is very, very busy."

I'm sorry Charles is unavailable for polite comment.

The Croucho Club

'Nobody gets to the point quicker than Ron!'

'I've been looking forward to this the whole year: It can get lonely out there...'

"That's a very good question, which is why we're going to move on to the next question."

Physicists at the Fourth Grotschlov Conference assembled to determine once and for all if light is a wave or a particle.

"Road? What particular road are we talking about here? You'll have to be more specific..."

Key-Note Speakers

'All these conferences look the same.'

'He's not finished his media training!'