Pragmatic Lover T-Shirts

"OK, let's go to contract."

"Marry you? ... Well, I don't know. Can you keep me in the lifestyle to which I'm accustomed?"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

'I'm sick and tired of you and your 'get rich quick' schemes.'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

"You can't have it both ways, kid."

'Bless this food, and protect us from the pesticides and additives therein.'

American Eagle and the Dove of Peace

'I'm bored with looking at people's feet all day!'

"I sure hope the negotiations go well."

"That one is non-wash. Also no ironing is required."

"Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you?" "Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees." "Well, I'd like to have How to Get Off an Island, by Archie Macguyver." "That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness." "We really should have our own book review show."

"Frank's gone fishing, and he'll be looking forward to a fish dinner."

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"I married for love." "I divorced for money."

'Marry me, Linda. Two can live more cheaply than one.'

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

"Bob's more realistic."

Great Expectations - Managing Expectations

'Until now, I never really considered diplomacy.'

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

"Rememeber Son, money can't buy happiness, but it pays for a lot of anti-depressants"

"What this place needs is a hydro-electric dam" "A glass of water would be nice"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'It happens.'

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

The tunnel of ulterior motives