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'My mom doesn't use recipes, she uses pizza coupons.'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Special: Scrabbled Eggs. No, sir, it's not a misprint -- Ernie adds alphabet soup.

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

Horn of Leftovers

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

Baloneystini

All-Candy Seder.

"It's so nice to gather and enjoy a simple home-cooked meal together."

"Fridge-to-table"

Picasso

Writer and his Muse on a cookout.

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

The Bachelor Chef TV Show. First, remove last night's pizza from the fridge. Then eat cold for breakfast. Shoot! 29 minutes left to kill.

Blue Blazer Cocktail.

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

Onion Guillotine

'I told you I only cook with my mother's Italian spices. She just left Naples and should be here with them in about eight hours.'

'Tastes just like my mother's pies because she too made hers from a mix.'

Spiro & Pusho mincing fish in meat mincer.

"Despite countless assurances from his wife, mother and 'foodie' friends, Ed still did not trust the crock pot."

'Trying to eat her dinners is the only exercise I get.'

Virgin Olive Oil. Not-Virgin-But-Has-A-Heart-Of-Gold Olive Oil.

'This week, the secret ingredient on Iron chef is . . . Iron. Good luck, suckas.'

"Why are they called freshers when they only eat processed food?"

Clandestine Cuisine

Wife at breakfast: 'We're out of sugar - how about chocolate milk on your cereal?'

Cooks

'Great crisps.' 'Yes, they're old cornflakes and salt.'

'Hoopla!'

'I'm short of ingredients. What's a good substitute for filet mignon?'

Dîner Transportable - plus dessert.

Quisine: Exciting New Dishes Inspired By Whatever's Left On Your Shelf

'The children and I don't mind going on a diet, dear, but do you have to refer to it as the thinning of the herd?'