Political Staffer Pillows

'Hey Mitt...er, could I borrow your bndeinders full of women?'

"I was on Clinton's White House staff, but I got reshuffled."

"At the end of the day he was thrown under the bus for getting ahead of his skis and making the issue a big fat nothing burger."

Conservative Curate Talking to Bill Sticker

'You need to say more about the war than just 'oops'.'

'I'm not serving at the pleasure of you Senator. I'm serving strictly as your secretary!'

Washington D.C., Acronym Capital of the World

'I'm not saying he accepts bribes, but he has two staffers who do nothing but write thank-you notes.'

'It's basically the young conservatives.'

John Boehner

The president's men

"Based on the feedback from advisers whom I haven't beheaded, all of my ideas are great."

Public Relations: Reputations cleaned and repaired

SAGE mentality

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

Rock and a Hard Place

'What's the difference? Some people call it privatizing government. Others call it super pacs buying congressmen.'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'This 'infrastructure' stuff you keep talking about -- does it have anything to do with vegetables?'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"I'm not spinning - I'm contextualizing."

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

'If you have to ask, you can't afford it.'

"Rudy has asked me to apologize, on his behalf, for your being offended..."

"I prefer to keep my op-ed article anonymous. I'm Trump's conscience."

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

"Our intelligence shows that everybody loves us."

Automatic Congressman

"He's only been president a few months. Just give hima little time."

"What kind of politician would I be if I didn't politicize this crisis?"

"Our rule of thumb is: 'Keep it complicated' - so no one will understand how we choose a candidate."

'This year there's a bi-partisan effort in Congress to keep things as partisan as possible.'

Half a house is better than none.

The Election Strategy

"Some of it is soft and some of it is hard, but the main thing is that all of it is money."