Podologist Pillows

'From the hobble you describe, I'd say you're not wearing the right walking shoe.'

Gerald gets a case of athlete's feet.

'You have a very advanced case of athlete's foot.'

Podologist

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

"Do you want to pretend to be a doctor and I'll pretend to be a hotshot civil litigation attorney who sues you till your ears bleed?"

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

Madonna of the Pukes.

"Unfortunately, once the child contracts Pokémon, he lives with it forever."

"They grow up so fast."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

Mozart's First Movement - Baby Mozart is sitting on the potty.

The cell phone soother for life.

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

Pool attached to child's bed.

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'The child is very illogical'

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

Pumpkin patch

Pinocchio's nose used by cat as a scratching post

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"The first one's just a warning."

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.