Podologist Pillows

'From the hobble you describe, I'd say you're not wearing the right walking shoe.'

Gerald gets a case of athlete's feet.

'You have a very advanced case of athlete's foot.'

Podologist

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

Madonna of the Pukes.

"They grow up so fast."

"Unfortunately, once the child contracts Pokémon, he lives with it forever."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

Mozart's First Movement - Baby Mozart is sitting on the potty.

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

The cell phone soother for life.

Pool attached to child's bed.

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'The child is very illogical'

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

Pumpkin patch

"The first one's just a warning."

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

Gifts for a cloned baby!

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

"Too much sugar."

"We're playing doctor. Do you have any old magazines for our waiting room?"