Playful Wordsmiths T-Shirts

'It's okay sir, I'm private Johnson.'

Backfire

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

Cat Towels

Deep in the heart of the RAND think tank, the world's greatest scientists would gather to brainstorm Batman's fight sounds.

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

"Oh, sorry - Open Sesame, PLEASE."

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

Spiritualism: Meet the Authors.

Best Seller

'I think he would come back to earth if women would just stop kissing him.'

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

'Justin, this isn't what I meant when I said we could make out like bandits.'

'They call me Portugese Man of War, but I'm really just a jellyfish of love.'

Prayboy

I don't want a story that helps kids make sense of the world – I want a world that lets kids just enjoy a nonsense story.

"Remorse sits in my stomach like a piece of stale bread. How does that sound?"

Mother Goose's Haiku

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

'No, Rusty, this one! You're barking up the wrong tree.'

A Poet

"I love you a bushel and a peck. How else?"

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

A bar selling 'crafty' beer is more popular than a bar selling 'craft' beer.

Tom Stoppard

"It's not a real company, it's a shell company."

"I think that I shall never see a lawsuit lovely as a tree." "Don't go soft on us, Lenny."

You're Out Of Order

"I had no idea. You mean I'm a dog?"

"I just got a huge advance for my first novel. It's about a writer who gets a huge advance for his first novel."

"I'm the writer-in-residence."

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

'I hear he's quite a recluse - doesn't even have a blog.'

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

He's very disciplined about his writing, three hours staring at a blank screen every morning and five in the afternoon.