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Alice through the Cat Flap

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"We found the poor thing stranded on the beach last summer and decided to adopt it."

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Fish needs a bigger bowl."

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Why do they do that?"

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

"I figure if I was still employed, I wouldn’t get to spend all this time with you!"

'When he's happy he can cool the entire downstairs.'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

Dog chews 'The Cat Book'.

"They think we're their best friend. Just play along with it."

"Quick, start the car!"

"It get it – you're hungry."

"I think therefore I am." "Bow Wow, Bow Wow, Bow Wow."

"You mustn't pull the cat's tail so hard it tugs the head inside, sweetie!"

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"He was a very good boy."

"You were right: I don't like water, but I do love snow!"

"Hey Lady this is a sixty zone!"

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Can I keep them? I found him on the internet?"

"Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink in the wild air." — Ralph Waldo Emerson "Catch tennis balls in the mouth." — Me

Cat Nip.

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

Raw food, after you leave for work.

Cat fishing whilst fish fly overhead.